My "Five Reasons To Let Teddy Win the President's Race"
1) It's April 7, and the Nats are already out of the playoffs- why not
2) His "Bully!" battle cry needs to make a comeback
3) First environmental president, it just seems politically correct
4) I'm so over Abe, GW & TJ... what have THEY done lately?
5) His nemesis Taft got to throw out the 1st pitch ever - sweet redemption, I s'pose


My "Five Dentists Who Would Recommend Trident Gum To Their Patients Who Chew Gum"
1) Dr. Gabriel Greenbaum
2) Dr. Teeth of The Electric Mayhem
3) Dr. Jerry Robinson (Bob Newhart's office suite mate)
4) Dr. Christian Szell (but still uncertain if it's 'safe?')
5) Hermey the Frustrated Toy-Making Elf
Update - Greenbaum pulled out, leaving the list to a mere four.


My "Top Five Hiding Places For Easter Eggs"
1) Beneath the Hibachi coals
2) Under napping Uncle Hank
3) The liquor cabinet
4) By the I-66 on ramp
5) The Temple Rodef Shalom foyer


My "Five Possible Answers To Who Is The THEY In 'That's What They Say'?"
1) You know.... THEM
2) The Van Pattens
3) Junior High School Guidance Counselors
4) The cool lunch table
5) Paris Hilton & whasserface


My "Five Things That Make Me Smile"
1) Sunshine
2) Gumdrops
3) Tickling
4) Beer Pong
5) My Care Bear pajamas


My "Five Statements That You Pray Are Followed With 'APRIL FOOLS!'"
1) Hey, nice cold sore!
2) Dude, where are your pants?
3) Did you see? Someone tagged your police photo on Facebook
4) Sorry, your sign said to kick you hard
5) So what's on your bucket list before the meteor hits at noon?


My "Five April Fools Jokes That Morphed Into Real Things"
1) New Coke
2) The Hercshel Walker Trade
3) Reality TV
4) "Get this...nobody knows her...she's pretty...she can't spell GOP if you spotted her the G and the P...make her your running mate!"
5) "Let's get everybody to join hands from coast to coast..." (actually, it was still a joke)


My "Five Things You May Not Have Known About Gene Shalit"
1) He lives in Western Massachusetts
2) He drives a copper-coloured Honda Element
3) If you wave to him, he waves back
4) If he didn't dye his hair, he'd be the spitting image of Mark Twain
5) He shares a birthday with Mark Twain. Same year, too.


My "Five Other Things To Argue About Other Than Health Care"
1) Global Warming: Myth or Rogue Yoga Position
2) Toilet Paper Installation: Over or Under
3) Clay or Ruben
4) Whether or not that dress makes you look fat
5) Alright, alright, health care... let's DO THIS!


My "Five Reasons To Pledge to WNRN 91.9 FM"
1) If you don't, the terrorists win
2) They have greater coverage of Virginia than kudzu
3) A statue will be erected in your honour (but you have to change your name to Jefferson)
4) EVERYBODY's doing it! ..... followed by jumping off a cliff
5) If you don't, they will be forced to re-format to ANGRY WHITE MALE talk radio


My "Five Reasons Why Sandra Should Take Jesse Back"
1) I'm not available
2) A remaining lifetime of giving the stink eye can be quite empowering
3) She never got to show off the new henna tattoo of the cute little dolphin on her ankle
4) Well, she didn't really technically thank him by name at the Oscars
5) Everybody deserves an eighth chance


My "Five Other Ways To Celebrate St. Patrick's Day"
1) Drive the snakes out of my tool shed
2) Fly to Dublin & tell them about this holiday they've never heard of
3) Dance around like a leprechaun to your vinyl copy of Van Mo's Astral Weeks @ 78rpms
4) Speak in an Irish accent all day only to have your friends say you sound Scottish
5) Git oot ye hankies for this stirring rendition of a classic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbuRA_D3KU


My "Top Five Shark-jumping Moments On The Six Million Dollar Man"
1) Sasquatch
2) Denim leisure suits go out of style
3) Slo-mo stunt scenes get cut, reducing the 1 hour episode to 30 minutes
4) Steve Austin becomes the Five Million Dollar Man when he buys a Toyota Prius
5) Cousin Oliver
Honorable mention - Lee Majors sings "Sweet Jaime" to help launch The Bionic Woman series


My "Top Five Internet Sniglets":
1) BLOGCLOG - the last-word-freak belief that your contribution to an argumentative online discussion will end all debate
2) DEMOTICON - lowering of social status by using punctuation marks to express emotion
3) BCBCC - Secretly copying an email to the Geico cavemen
4) DOT GOV'NUH - email extension for UK Parliament
5) Wi-Fo - spouse who thinks you're on the computer too much


My "Five Alternative Ways To End The Vancouver Games"
1) Exhume & reanimate Hendrix for a scorching Strat version of "O Canada"
2) Don't write your name in the snow - extinguish the flame!  The scent should carry all the way to Palin's and Putin's houses
3) Have the nation's best sled dog racing team jump a shark
4) Debut The Marriage Ref (that should end NBC, too)
5) RELEASE THE KRAKEN!


My "Top Five Oscar Picks For 2010"
1) Best Picture - Jeff Bridges
2) Best Editing in Foreign Language Short Feature (Animated) - Chaton Avec la Boule de Fils (Kitten With Ball of Yarn)
3) Best Makeup - Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston
4) Lifetime Achievement for Biggest Gratuitous Oscar Blunder - Marisa Tomei
5) The Best (Just ask him) - James Cameron


My "Five Things People Will Miss Most About Me While I'm Out Of The Country"
1) My uncanny ability to capture the imagination of the Facebook Nation on any topic in a five course meal of verbal wizardry
2) My modesty
4) My un-recalled Japanese car
3) My impeccable sense of order
5) My lack of a fifth thing people will miss most about me while I'm out of the country


My "Five Reasons To Cancel Valentine's Day This Year"
1) Crippling apathy
2) 96" of debilitating snow can cool off even the hottest passion
3) We can devote our attention to a far more romantic occasion- President's Day
4) An empty box during 2nd grade's card exchange has left me scarred & bitter
5) I didn't have a chance to get anybody anything (and I'm out of construction paper & glitter)


My "Five All Time Greatest Bonds"
1) Sir Sean Connery
2) Laddie Boy Daniel Craig
3) Gary U.S.
4) Barry Nelson (*the ORIGINAL, apologies to Sir Sean)
5) Marital with a notarized pre-nup
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYhQqTAGd7k


My "Top Five Bond Women"
1) Pussy Galore
2) Honey Rita
3) Miss Moneypenny
4) Roger Moore
5) Rosa Klebb (spike in the shoe? Now THAT's sexy!)


My "Top Five Bond Nemesi"
1) Shyness
2) Blofeld
3) tie - Dr. No / Goldfinger
4) Dame Judi Dench
5) Pirated DVDs of Octopussy


My "Top Five Bond Gadgets"
1) Nuclear Warhead Throat Lozenge
2) Facebook Hacker Ring
3) Hidden Parabolic Mic Suppository
4) iPad w/GPS App to Villain's Lair complete w/Hotel & Restaurant Guide
5) Viagra Suicide Pill


My "Five Most Common Lost-n-Found Items At The Premier Inn, Longlevens, England"
1) Cell phone chargers
2) Umbrellas (aka Brollies)
3) Highly-enriched uranium (The Brits say "Extra Fatty Yer-IN-Yum")
4) Ill-behaved children
5) Innocence


My "Five Lesser Known Runner Up Olympic Medals To The Gold, Silver & Bronze"
1) FOURTH PLACE - Railroad-flattened penny
2) FIFTH - Leo Sayer CD
3) SIXTH - Einstein's Everything Bagel
4) SEVENTH - The Commemorative Tonya Harding Saucer
5) EIGHTH - My "O" Face


My "Top 5 Alternatives to Viewing The Winter Olympics Curling Competition"
1) Watching paint dry
2) Staring at the Emergency Broadcast System screen
3) Alphabetizing your socks
4) Attending an all-night rave with George Will
5) Coming up with another top five alternatives to watching a dart tournament or a cricket match
Thank you, BBC, for your extensive Vancouver coverage. Of curling.


My "Five Best Things About The Who's Halftime Show"
1) 50% of the original members in attendance
2) No paid-for Glee audition rejects feigning enthusiasm in the front mosh pit
3) Drummer Zak Starkey learning from his old man to never sing
4) Daltrey not getting his 1965 wish. He got old. Very old.
5) Gomer nabbing Barney on the grounds of "Citizen's Arrest" (I was channel flippin)
LONG LIVE ROCK! (No matter Who)


My "Top Five Other Events Coinciding With John Edwards' Triumphant Comeback"
1) Pigs take flight
2) Satan orders A/C for Employee Appreciation Week
3) Wrigley Field has home field advantage in the World Series
4) Susan Lucci wins a second Daytime Emmy
5) Gov. Sanford, Tiger Woods, Eliot Spitzer & Bill Clinton host a male View-esque show called The Peep Hole


My "Top Five Things To Hog This Summer While Kids Are Making Up Snow Days Until Mid-August"
1) The water slide at the neighborhood pool
2) The good TV chair
3) Bike parking at the 7eleven
4) Quality time with Mr. & Mrs. Detweiller, my neighbors
5) FRONT seat!


My "Top Five Highlights During the Grammy Awards"
1) Beyonce escorted in by the Storm Troopers' Black Panther division
2) P!nk turning green from excessive spinning while mooning the Staples Center
3) Kanye West letting Taylor Swift keep her awards
4) Peyton Manning & Drew Brees interviewed at halftime
5) Albemarle County Schools are closed tomorrow


My "Top Five Doppelgangers"
1) Patton Oswalt - Truman Capote
2) Khalil Sheikh Mohammed - Ron Jeremy
3) John Mellencamp - Bilbo Baggins
4) Donny Osmond - Marie Osmond
5) Tammy Faye Baker - H.R. Puffinstuff (whaah - too soon?)


My "Five Reasons To Be Stoked For The NFL Pro Bowl"
1) All of the league's second & third best players on the SAME FIELD!
2) Halftime show: The WHOM - a Who tribute band from Branson, MO
3) Ad spots still available if you need to plug somethin'
4) For those down on the violence of the sport, there should be little to no contact in this game
5) TVLand's Andy Griffith marathon is all re-runs


My "Five Best Things About the New iPad":
1) It's the same dimensions as the letter you'll get apologizing for AT&T's lame service
2) Compared to the iPhone - your hand looks really small - making you feel more powerful
3) At $499, just like the iPhone, it'll be FREE by August!
4) Has Steve Jobs lost weight?
5) TVLand's Andy Griffith marathon is all re-runs this Sunday...


My "Five Reasons Why Indianapolis Is Just As Exciting A Place As N'awlins"
1) A mere 67.5 miles from the world's biggest ball of paint
2) Host to a big annual race where cars continually turn left for 500 miles
3) One Day at a Time ... nuff said
4) The Colts' "Who Are They?" battle cry is much more grammatically correct
5) Did I mention the ball of paint?


My "Top Five Pat Robertson News Sources"
1) The 666 Club
2) Thin air
3) A little bird
4) A friend of a friend
5) His arse


My "Five Alternative Places for NBC to Stick Jay Without Offending Conan"
1) ABC
2) in re-runs
3) Simon Cowell's vacant spot
4) On one of his Harley's heading into the Pacific
5) Dennys


My "Five In/Out's For 2010"
1) IN- inzie navels / OUT- outsie navels
2) IN- The In Crowd / OUT- You know....them
3) IN- Pewter fixtures & pedestal sinks in the powder room / OUT- Outhouses
4) IN- Brains connecting to spinal cords / OUT- Glenn Beck
5) IN- Oprah's Triumphant Return / OUT- Oprah's Tearful Goodbye
Runner Up
IN- Going Rogue / OUT- Going Commando


My "Top Five New Year's Resolutions"
1) Party like it's 1999
2) Retire that old "Chunks is my dog" joke
3) Plan lots of spontaneity
4) Scream at the television more, and occasionally turn it on
5) Take up smoking & overeating


My "Five Phrases to Retire in 2010"
1) Worst case scenario...
2) (fill in blank) Bailout
3) Anything ending with the word 'yo'
4) Two thousand, nine
5) TIE - Jive Turkey & Keep On Truckin'


My "Top Five Christmas Quotes"
1) God bless us, everyone - TINY TIM
2) Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp - WHOVILLE
3) Charlie Brown IS a blockhead - LUCY VAN PELT
4) It's a boy! - JOSEPH
5) Bbbbbrrrrrrrr - TIGER WOODS


My "Top Five Ways To Extend Christmas Warmth"
1) Traffic sucks. Don't cut someone off. Let them in
2) Don't EVER pass up a Salvation Army bucket
3) Wish everyone the best holiday wishes & try to mean it
4) Euthanize cats
5) Tell complete strangers that their holiday sweater rocks


My "Five Ways To Back Peddle With Cat Fans You've Offended"
1) Send them a scented candle. The scent? Litter box
2) Rub against their bare legs while they're standing in the kitchen starting the coffee maker
3) Make "Memory" your outgoing voice mail message
4) Throw up your hands in indignation and claim "Hey, some of my best friends are cats"
5) Don't


My "Top Five Awkward Christmas Gift Reactions"
1) Oh, you really should have
2) You expect me to wear this in public?
3) You gave me one of these last year, duh!
4) I don't get it
5) Who's Bathsheba? Did you mix up yet another gift, Tiger?


My "Top Five Boxing Day Traditions"
1) Ignoring the Queen's Address
2) Flatulence
3) Ignoring the Queen's Flatulence
4) Presenting the indentured servants with Whitman's Samplers & Personalized No. 2 Pencil sets, before firing them
5) Two turtle doves & leftovers for brunch


My "Top 5 Musical Instruments No Longer in Use"
1) Double neck lute
2) Colostomy bagpipe
3) Kazooka
4) log
5) The Silvertone Model 604 3/4 scale lacquer-finish, sunburst body, nylon string, imitation rosewood neck w/fake ivory tuning pegs w/o the case, acoustic guitar
(I think I have the last one)


My "Top 5 Things To Come Out of the UN Climate Conference in Copenhagen"
About five dozen limos


My "Five Favourite All-Time Christmas Movies"
1) It's a Wonderful Life
2) A Christmas Story
3) The Nightmare Before Christmas
4) GoodFellas
5) Avatar (replacing Ishtar)


My "Five Best Songs To Shovel By On the iPod"
I don't know why, they just are.
1) "Theme from Rocky" - BILL CONTI
2) Anything by Wagner
3) "Calling Dr. Love" - KISS
4) "Take This Job And Shove It" - JOHNNY PAYCHECK
5) "Working In A Coal Mine" - LEE DORSEY


My "Five Worst Songs to Shovel By On the iPod"
1) "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" - MARVIN GAYE & TAMMI TERRELL
2) Any and all chipper Holiday songs referring to snow
3) "Cold As Ice" - FOREIGNER
4) "How Much Is That Snow Blower In The Window?" a rare PATTI PAGE b-side
5) "Working In A Coal Mine" - DEVO


My "Top Five Wise Men"
1) Melchior
2) Balthasar
3) Caspar
4) Bernanke
5) Curly


My "Top Five Ways America Has Empowered the Letter F"
1) Effin snow!!!
2) What the F?
3) Whaddya frickin' think?
4) Gee, I dunno
5) F. Murray Abraham


My "Five Reasons Why Parson Brown Went Postal On The Town"
1) "That snowman looks nothing like me. NOTHING!"
2) "Of ALL places... in the bloody MEADOW? Criminy!"
3) Paranoid & insecure, he heard others would conspire by the fire
4) HIS Rabbi Dershowitz snowman was demolitioned by salt trucks
5) "Hey! That carrot should be used for the NOSE!"


My "Top Five Reasons To Be A Bass Player"
1) So America has someone to hate other than the terrorists
2) To get all the lead guitarist's girlfriend's roommates
3) People speak to you more slowly
4) Whereas most people & showoffs need five reasons, you only need four
5) You can die bitter and alone... Merry Christmas!


I'm Snowed In, And Here Are My "Five Reasons To Stop By"
1) Plenty of dog sled parking
2) Heated bathrooms
3) Entire second season of "Mr. Belvedere" on DVD
4) Door bell rings the theme to "Shaft"
5) Re-stocked wine bar (thanks to Eckerd Drug)


My "Top Five Reindeer on Santa's B Team"
1) VOMIT - constantly under the weather
2) ENHANCER - suspected of being 'on the juice'
3) NIXON - "I am NOT an Elk"
4) ADOLPH - has a Superiority Complex
5) BABE LAUFENBERG - always a bridesmaid....


My "Five Sponsors Tiger Woods PICKED UP This Week"
1) Pledge Woods Polish
2) Nut-n-Honey Cereal
3) The FTD Pick Me Up Bouquet
4) Governor Mark Sanford
5) Girls Gone Wild!


My "Five Other Outcomes Had George Bailey Never Been Born"
1) Sam Wainwright gets shivved for saying "Hee Haw" nonstop
2) Zuzu changes her name as SOON as legally possible (to Frank)
3) Gower's Pharmacy now a topless Starbucks
4) Librarian Mary Hatch is still hot as blazes
5) Sadly, wing-less Clarence is wielding a pitchfork at his new gig


My "Top Five Island of Misfit Toys Outcasts"
1) Cross dressing Ken doll
2) Razor wire Slinky
3) Chatty Cathy with potty mouth
4) Nerf bike
5) Bob the Builder nail gun


My "Five Most Pretentious Wine Descriptions"
1) Pious, yet sinful
2) Chutney with a hint of mischief
3) Breathy, like a chubby pre-teen in Gym
4) Wants to be a Cab, but so hopelessly rickshaw
5) Might be suitable with, say, Tapas and other overpriced crap


My "Five Least Sophisticated Wine Descriptions"
1) *Belch*
2) That nun on the bottle sure is purdy
3) Doncha mean FREEDOM Bordeaux?
4) My kids'll LOVE this!
5) This come in a box?


My "Top 5 Clues To Santa That Some of His Toy-Making Elves May Be Chinese"
1) They're short, but not...you know, 'elf-short'.
2) They keep threatening to put mercury in bad kids' stockings.
3) They constantly brag about owning over 70% of Santa's stock.
4) They're not pronouncing 'Fa-La-La-La-La' like the other elves during carols.
5) They refuse to work the assembly line of the Dalai Lama Bobble-Head dolls.


My "Five Runner-up Gifts for the Twelve Days of Christmas"
1) Eight Prisoners Spooning
2) Ten Toddlers Smoking
3) Eleven Amish Rapping
4) Two turtle dumps
5) and Keith Partridge in an RV


My "Five Lesser Known Dickens Holiday Ghosts"
1) Ghost of Christmas Spent at In-laws
2) Ghost of Christmas Fruit Cakes Re-Gifted
3) Ghost of Christmas Hanukkah
4) Ghost of Tom Shales Review of Kathy Lee Gifford Special
5) Ghost of Christmas Albums That Should Have Never Been Made


My "Five Things I'm NOT Thankful For This Thanksgiving"
1) Mouth ulcers
2) That confound-it molded plastic packaging that everything comes in, and you always slice yourself upon opening
3) Yanni
4) The lack of good V-neck trousers at Old Navy for that post-meal nap during the Lions game
5) Oprah's not really going away after all


My "Five Things I'm Thankful For This Thanksgiving"
1) The phone book is alphabetized
2) The way knees bend like they do; Works perfectly with chairs
3) My extensive & timeless wardrobe from Chess King
4) The Beatles are still together & pumping out new product
5) My son


My "Five Reasons Why I'll Miss Jimmy Buffett's Concert Tonight in Charlottesville"
1) Self respect
2) Cut my heel had to cruise on back home
3) Violent vomiting...and other crowd activity
4) Have to attend a Parrot Heads Anonymous Meeting, where coffee is served in styrofoam cups w/ little umbrellas
5) ...not a fan


My "Five Ways to GO ROGUE!"
1) Catch salmon with your teeth
2) Join something. Then quit.
3) Wink when you kind-a-cuss
4) Pee standing
5) Write more than you read


My "Five Things I'm Doing During This Recession"
1) Sulking and Napping
2) Making sure no one else smiles
3) Wearing apocolyptic sandwich boards even during my crossing guard duty
4) Sudoku
5) The Hustle


My "Five More Humane Ways to Torture Guy Fawkes on Nov 5, Rather Than Setting Him Ablaze"
1) Wedgie
2) Purple Nurple
3) Noogie
4) Mariah Carey
5) Parliament on CSPAN


My "Five Foolproof Election Ballot Methods"
1) Sheet metal punch cards
2) Dartboard
3) Whispering to the 90-year-old volunteer who, in turn telegraphs the info to HQ
4) Drive-by Vote - one honk for Dem; two honks for GOP; Morse code honk for Write-In
5) Just show up and be counted, it's a beautiful thing


My "Five Reasons To Move Luxembourgian-American Awareness Month from February to October"
1) October is longer, by three whole days!
2) The Acquisition of Lucilinburhuc took place in October 963 A.D., NOT February. Duh!
3) Luxembourg's main artillery for many centuries has been the Catipulted Pumpkin
4) It'll really irk the Belgian-Americans, who still don't have an Awareness Month
5) It's November, and we can put it off 11 months. (Aw, come on, Luxies!... we kid, because we love)


My "Five Sensible Treats to Hand Out Instead of Candy at Halloween"
1) Pamphlets about acne
2) Dental floss
3) Pictures from your last vacation
4) A large gourd
5) "Hey, I got your nose, ha ha... There! I'm giving it back. Stop crying."


Better Know Your/My "5 Airport Threat Levels"
1) ORANGE - must be an election coming up
2) BURNT SIENNA - best travel w/an xtra pair of shorts
3) PERIWINKLE - a likely time for terrorists to come out of their shells
4) GOLDENROD - don't get too pissed w/ long delays
5) GRAY - we're frisking all the suspicious octogenarians we can find!


I Just Took a Facebook Quiz & Here Are My "Five Indian Names"
1) Sprints Like a Girl from Hornets
2) Cheats at Sudoku
3) Running Nose
4) GeroniMos Def
5) Logs On Too Much
(Two Dogs Wrestling somehow didn't make the cut)
What Indian name are YOU? Put off responsibilities and take the quiz...


My "Five Clues a Telemarketing Call Is Fraudulent"
1) After saying, "Hello, I'm Phil" he asks "What is your VISA number, and how are YOU doing this evening, Mr. or Ms. Resident?"
2) You overhear a roomful of his co-workers giggle when he says "The Fireman's Ball"
3) Your caller I.D. says "Fraudulent Telemarketing Call"
4) You're asked for a donation to the Dukakis campaign
5) It's your college-aged kid just calling to say he loves you


My "Five Reasons Facebook Should NOT Charge Its Users"
1) They could lose face. Or faces.
2) Profiting from the enjoyment of others is simply Un-American
3) When Facebook users lose, the terrorists win
4) What are people gonna have to pay for next - bottled water?!?!
5) I have waaaay too much spare time and a big effin' backlog of Top 5s.


My "Five Activities I've Done, But Was Upset to Find Out It Was Captured on Someone's Cell Phone Cam"
1) Rollerblading
3) Attending a Jimmy Buffett concert
3) Showering at a KOA
4) Defacing a Jimmy Buffett poster
5) Getting tased


My "Five Ways How I Spent Columbus Day"
1) Discovering a new grocery store in town
2) Discovering a brand of genoa salami named Columbus - Genoa is his birthplace! Cue up Twilight Zone music!
3) Discovering an unsightly pimple
4) Cursing that ever complacent Postal Service - Dang you!!
5) Discovering an Italian didn't discover America. The Greeks beat him to it. Again.


My "Five Things I Found In the Glove Compartment"
1) No gloves
2) Ketchup packets
3) Roy Rogers Buckaroo Club card
4) More ketchup packets
5) Vehicle registration indicating I was in the wrong car


My "Five Other Alcor Abuses of Frozen Celebs"
1) John Dillinger's privates have been used as a whistle stick during LA Angels games
2) Mae West's rear end has been used as a place for Alcor interns to park their bikes
3) Dean Martin's liver has been used as a Happy Hour shot source
4) Anna Nicole Smith's body has been used
5) More than Four out of Ten people believe batting Ted Williams' head is wrong


My "Five Status Updates That Indicate There Should Be a Separate Kvetchbook"
1) If my kids ask me ONE more time what's for dinner...so HELP me!!
2) OMG - Mom won't tell us what's for dinner -- she's glued to the computer
3) My favorite sports team just lost. Where's my Zoloft?
4) I just can't go on
5) A deranged gunman is holding our family hostage - Please send help!
(...whine, whine, whine...)


My "Five Reasons the IOC Should Rethink Giving the Games to Chicago"
1) Can you imagine "Chicago: The Musical" ON ICE at the opening ceremonies?
2) There's tremendous alpine skiing in Northern Illinois
3) We can throw the Men's Hockey gold to China and further improve our relations (NO, Tibet's NOT invited!)
4) Where the X@#% are you gonna luge in Rio?!?
5) We're talkin' Winter Olympiad, right?


My "Five Easy Sources of Income During These Tough Economic Times"
1) That dead guy's wallet
2) Your gullible distant cousin
3) Soft shoe busking routine in front of Whole Foods
4) Outstretching your hand in front of Whole Foods
5) Be your OWN boss! Work from home! Check out my website www.ponziwasright.net


My "Five Favorite Chinese Knock-Off Toys I Had As A Kid"
1) Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Barbies
2) Easy Bake Incinerator, for deceased toys
3) Fonzie Doll with Kung Fu Grip
4) Board with Nail Poking Out
5) Serious Putty


My "Five Politically Correct Insults from a Dunking Machine Clown"
1) You throw like a non-man
2) Yes, funnel cake IS delicious, but moderation is important, too
3) Is that your mother? I bet she has a nice personality
4) If you were actually on better terms with your father, then he could help you with your pitching
5) Hey fella, you could get more girls if you just wore a shirt


My "Five Missing But Desired Features On Facebook - When Poking Just Won't Do"
1) Mooning someone
2) Sending someone a grenade
3) DISliking something and Announcing the poster's mother dresses him funny
4) Unfriending someone with huge sound effects (ie, gong, detonation or toilet flush)
5) Rejecting some dolt's Top Five list


My "Five Peeves Prince Charming Has Articulated About New Bride Snow White"
1) She's constantly Facebooking with Grumpy & Dopey
2) Gooseberry Pie... EVERY night. Shoot me!
3) There's forest animal crap ALL OVER THE PLACE
4) Her singing's pretty and all at first, but after a while...sheeze
5) I was more attracted to her when she was dead


My "Five Remarks by Walter Disney Upon Unfreezing"
1) Brrrrrrr!
2) Gee willikers, my vocal chords are frozen in my Mickey voice!
3) You kept the film vaults shut, didn't ya, Eisner?
4) Man on the moon?! A black President?! What next - a Disney park in France?
5) Whaddya lookin at?! I TOLD you I was frozen... throw me a robe!


My "Top Five Disney Villains"
1) Cruella de Vil
2) Mothra
3) Michael Eisner
4) Touchy, the forgotten dwarf
5) Dreamworks


My "Five McDonaldland Finest Hours"
1) McDonaldland Invades Poland
2) Officer Big Mac orchestrates Mayor McCheese Sting Operation
3) Grimace gets voted off "The Biggest Loser"
4) Captain Crook convinces Hamburgler to leave things as they arrrrrrrrrrre.
5) Ronald McDonald sells trouser pattern rights to MC Hammer


My "Five Females I Had a Crush On When I Was a Young Boy"
1) Shirley Temple
2) The Sun-Maid Raisins Lady
3) The Land O Lakes Butter Indian
4) Little Debbie
5) Kathy Fanning (a neighbor)


My "Five Breakfast Cereal Characters & Their Demise"
1) Cocoa Puffs Bird - schizophrenia coupled with Avian Influenza
2) Honey Smacks Frog - Crystal Meth & gambling addiction
3) King Vitamin - a little too fond of the children
4) Lucky Charms Leprechaun - Crippling Alcoholism, Bipolarism...& new blue diamonds
5) Müeslix Norwegian Lumberjack - convicted serial killer


My "Five More Breakfast Cereal Characters: Where Are They Now?"
1) Snap, Crackle & Pop - perished in some kind of explosion
2) Count Chocula - living in seclusion with life partner, Booberry
3) Frankenberry - Freshman U.S. Senator from the State of Minnesota
4) Cap'n Crunch - Outside consultant on Veterans Affairs, otherwise retired. Golfs on Wednesdays at the Army/Navy Club
5) Tony the Tiger - died and buried in a GrrrrrrrrRAAAVE!!


My "Five Anger Management Seminar Classmates"
1) Joe Wilson
2) Serena Williams
3) Kanye West
4) The Tasmanian Devil
5) Ben Stein


My "Five Politically-Incorrect Pro Football Player Nicknames from 1933-1954"
1) Yuri "The Polish Hermaphrodite" Nagurski
2) Ira "Homicidal Injun" Thorpe
3) Otto "Nazi Sympathizer" Schmidt
4) Fatty "Fatso" McFatterson
5) Leonard "All But Dissertation" Minetti


My "Five More Politically-Incorrect Pro Football Player Nicknames from 1955-1976"
1) Thelonius "Inappropriate Hugs" Jones
2) Jeremy "Light in the Cleats" Van Busby
3) Claude "Domestic Violence" Crunk
4) Stan "Fast For a White Guy" Cooper
5) Joe "Heisman Whore" Theismann


My "5 Congressional Standing O's for Prez Speech"
1) THE PELOSISSIPPI - Sit. Spell longest state. Stand. Clap. Sit. Repeat.
2) THE G.O.PPPBBBBTTT - Reluctantly arise from seat like getting up from a beanbag chair and clap once every 4 seconds
3) THE BIDEN-HIS-TIME - "C'mon, woman, we JUST sat down!"
4) THE MCCAIN HE DO IT? - "Awright, he said my name, shucks, jeepers"
5) MICHAEL J FOX AS QUAYLE on SNL


My "Five Never-Heard-Before Sounds On The Beatles Remastered Mixes"
1) Paul complimenting George on something
2) Yoko bouncing on her studio mattress during "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" (out of time, of course)
3) Lennon snoring during "Yesterday"
4) Ringo actually yelling "I got Big Gas, pull my finger!"
5) Apple Records laughing its arse off all the way to the bank, again (bonus track)


My "Five Beefs With the Beatles Rock Band Game"
1) If I wanted to stare at stiff anime versions of the Fab Four, I'd watch the Jonas Bros.
2) There's no hyperspace button to blow up Yokozilla and save the band
3) George's sitar tunes are still torture
4) It's not compatible with my Atari 5200
5) Just like The Knack, The Beatles are a passing phase, and this whole fad will be over by Christmas


My "Top 5 Wacky Packages for Products That Weren't Around in 1973"
1) Starbutt's Coffee
2) MacIntush Computer
3) I Can't Believe It's Not Chunder!
4) AT&T Smellular
5) Ukelele Hero


My "Five Most Hackneyed Phrases of Today"
1) Green & Local
2) Rapper / Producer / Daycare-Provider
3) Terrorist-friendly
4) Bring Your Own Machete
5) TIE: Dow Falling & Now Under New Management


My "Five Excuses For Not Posting a Top Five For a While"
1) My dog ate my password
2) Oak Ridge, TN doesn't have the Internet
3) My "Top Five Ted Kennedy Annecdotes" wasn't appropriate.
4) I've been glued to the 24 hour news channel to see if Ted Kennedy was murdered by his doctor
5) Facebook is sooooo 2008. See ya on Twitter!


My "Five Appropriate Exclamations to Use Around Children in Place of Profanity"
1) Brother Trucker!
2) Fauquier County!
3) Go Nats!
4) Barney Droppings!
5) Great Caesar's Pancreas!


My "Five Favorite Things About 1984"
1) The Cliff Notes
2) Reaganometry
3) U.S. Domination of World Athletics at Summer Olympic Games in Los Angeles (U-S-A! U-S-A!)
4) Soviet Union's bus breaking down en route to L.A.
5) Drum machines & synthesizers setting my robot-dancing soul free


My "Five Ways to Pull 'Reader's Digest' Out of Bankruptcy"
1) Bake Sale
2) Swimsuit Issue!
3) Thaw out the cryogenically frozen geezers who subscribed in the first place
4) Pander to a younger audience: "Seen the latest RD, yo? OMG - Check it out, all pics/no text. Totally dope, bro!"
5) Tell Capitol Hill that you produce a product Americans don't buy. They'll cut you a blank check


My "Five Things That Didn't Exist When I Graduated From High School 25 Years Ago"
1) Ten digit dialing for local numbers
2) Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
3) Mennonite action figures
4) Human Harmony & Universal Tolerance for All Races & Religious Beliefs
5) Frickin' foreigners ruining EVERYthing!


My "Five Things I'll Lie About At My 25th High School Reunion This Weekend"
1) My age
2) My height
3) Inventing Flubber
4) How adorable your kids look in that photo and how blessed you must be
5) My gender


My "5 Announcements Max Yasgur Made After Hendrix's Set"
1) If everyone would just pick up a little trash that's around you that would be really groovy, kids
2) There's a young newborn named Ryan Adams if anyone has seen his parents...
3) If you have a VW Bus with Vermont tags XLM-869, it's parked in my living room with its lights on
4) No Fat Chicks, Yo
5) My wife Miriam gets back from out of town in an hour, and...


My "Five Pairs Who Have Never Been Seen Together"
1) Keith Urban & Martina Navratilova
2) Barbara Bush & the Quaker Oats Guy
3) Eddie Van Halen & Valerie Bertinelli
4) Washington DC NBC 4 Anchor Jim Vance & Sugar Bear
5) Liza Minnelli & David Gest


My "Five Ways to Avoid Grizzly Bear Attack"
1) Live in Manhattan
2) Try to role-play with the bear, and talk about nutrition
3) Stop smelling like a delicious hippie
4) I actually only have 4 ways
5) Pretend like you're dead, and when the jaws begin to clamp down and castigate your still-vibrant limbs, try not to wince. Make sure the Park Ranger has your last Will & Testament.


My "Five Headlines Following Daniel Snyder's Purchase of the New York Yankees for 8 Kajillion Dollars"
1) Dear God!
2) Snyder signs Roger Clemens, Reggie Jackson & Yogi Berra for undisclosed boatload amount
3) Snyder turns Old Yankees Stadium into Six Flags Park; Files Chapter 11 the next day
4) Loyal Yankees fanbase jumps off Verrazano Bridge; Snyder makes t-shirts
5) Yankees plummet to the bottom of the AL East within 72 hours; Snyder makes t-shirts


My "Five Reasons Why The Professor Never Really Tried To Get the Crew Off Of Gilligan's Island"
1) A Passive-Aggressive thing
2) Paranoia over Patent-Pending Status of transistor radio made from two coconuts & kelp
3) Fearful the fellow castaways would discover his professorial status was bogus
4) Stateside jokes about the name "Russell Johnson" were getting kinda old
5) No mainland friends, No woman, No cry


My "Five Current News Items That Were Upstaged By The Announcement of Justin Timberlake's New Fragrance at Macy's"
1) Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor's Confirmation
2) Paula Abdul Quits American Idol, Again (for anyone who didn't take her seriously the first time)
3) White House Gates/Cambridge Cop Meeting Over Beer Made Awkward When Biden Fumbles Over Tip Calculator
4) Idaho-sized Meteor Heads Toward Planet Earth
5) Lovable Bo Obama Leaves New Fragrance in Lincoln Bedroom


My "Five Ways to Leave Your Lover" (1/10th of Paul Simon's Remedy)
1) Get caught on Internet Porn, Bjorn
2) Buy an inflatable date, Nate
3) Hook up with the 'sitter, Gary Glitter
4) Move in with your parents, Clarence
5) Fail to rhyme, Steve


My "Five OBX Rental Property Names That Should Have Been Given More Thought"
1) Hurricane Magnet
2) The Cabin Boy
3) Scurvy, Scurvy, Scurvy
4) Flaming Driftwood
5) The Three Strong Stilts


My "Five Only Championship Hopes for the Ailing Washington Nationals"
1) Frank Howard comes out of retirement
2) Swine Flu hits 29 other dugouts in the Major League
3) Commissioner Selig enacts Tee Ball's longstanding "Everybody Gets a Trophy" rule
4) Team statistician adopts "fuzzy math" to avoid mathematical elimination
5) Through the magic of Disney, a young foster child prays that a Washington World Series victory will gain him a real family. Angels hear his prayers, begin to intervene, and before you know it, a place-kicking mule ushers the Nats into the playoffs. However, the young boy dies from swine flu before the start of the NLCS. Starring Danny Devito as Lucifer.


My "Five Most Provocative Merchant Names of the Outer Banks"
1) Dirty Dick's Crab House
2) Sloppy Second's Bike Rental
3) Well Hung Hammocks (between Mile Posts 8 & 10)
4) Orville & Wilbur's Putt-Putt Erotica
5) Hardee's


My "Five Anti-American Slurs I've Received From Abroad That Never Seemed to Hurt"
1) Liberty & Freedom Lover!
2) Soap User!
3) Perkonkrusts Party Sympathizer!
4) Single Syllable Surname Simpleton!
5) Aisle Seat Coach Passenger!


My "Five Favorite Ways to Spend Bastille Day"
1) Celebrating the French's Independence from France
2) Singing the non-German half of Milli-Vanilli songs
3) Checking into a hotel room under Jacques Chirac & friend, because it sounds so makey-uppy
4) Scrapbooking my Cinco de Mayo page
5) Surrendering to anybody


My "Five Favourite Forgotten MONOPOLY Player Pieces"
1) The Thimble
2) The Schlitz Can
3) The Bidet
4) The Bazooka
5) The Enema Kit


My "Top Five Free Continuing Education Night Courses"
1) D.Y.O.T. 101 - Do Your Own Taxes
2) D.Y.O.T. 102 - How to Face an IRS Audit
3) Death By Origami
4) Keeping up with the 90s
5) Square Dancing for Illegal Immigrants (please have all your belongings with you at first lesson)


My "Five Least Popular Facebook Quizzes"
1) What Motor Oil Are You?
2) What Totalitarian Dictator Are You?
3) What "Blossom" Re-run Are You?
4) What Really Makes You Think Angelina Jolie or George Clooney Would Play You In A Movie That No One Wants To Make?
5) What's Wrong With You?


My "Five Easiest to Forget State Capitals"
1) Montpelier
2) Bisquick
3) Branson
3) Colorado
4) Washington, DC


My "Five Things I Discovered When I Tried to Buy the World a Coke and Teach it How to Sing in Perfect Harmony"
1) Three Quarters of the World are tone-deaf.
2) People tend to burp instead of sing when drinking a Coke.
3) Having the World share a Coke isn't very resourceful or sanitary.
4) A lot of countries hate each other, so rehearsals are aaaaaaawwwwwwwkwaaaard.
5) Pepsi


My "Five Favourite Jacksons"
1) Tito
2) Jermaine
3) Action
4) Hole
5) The twenty


My "Five Favourite Public Places For Using My Cell Phone"
1) Right next to you
2) The DMV/Bank/PostOffice/Grocery-Checkout line
3) In a bad cell, so I can cuss with Tourette's-like abandon
4) Starbucks, right after I set up my office for the afternoon
5) The schoolbus, while I'm eating a sub & driving


My "Five Designers Who Have Not Been Head-butted by Kiefer Sutherland"
1) Gianni Versace
2) Gloria Vanderbilt
3) Levi Strauss
4) Giovanni Toughskins
5) Delta Burke


My "Five Rejected Book Titles by Dan Brown"
1) The DaVinci Dress Code
2) Angels & Deacons with Nunchucks
3) Grand Pope Auto: Vatican City
4) Debunking Stuff for Dummies
5) Dan Brown's Movie Option Magnet


My "Five Alternatives to the Phrase 'Six of One, Half Dozen of the Other'"
1) 30 Minutes, Half an Hour
2) One episode of The View, Three root canals
3) Two Taylor Hicks Tours, One VH1 "Where Are They Now?" Special
4) Three Sexual Harassment Suits, One Misunderstood Office Pervert
5) One Surrealist Art Exhibition, 7 Iridescent Minotaurs on Unicycles Strumming Banjos


My "Five Favourite Merit Badges That Helped Earn Me Eagle Scout"
1) Charisma
2) Sewing
3) Extinguishing Pets on Fire
4) Hiding Signs of Dysentery at The Jamboree Without Spoiling All The Fun
5) My Father Made My Pinewood Derby Car and We Still Got Last Place, So I Learned My Lesson (yes, this is a badge, which required an essay... which I just wrote)


My "Five Worst U.S. Presidents at Remembering Their Wedding Anniversary"
1) Grover Cleveland
2) Gerald Ford
3) James Buchanan (granted, he was single)
4) Josiah Bartlet
5) Samuel L. Jackson


My "Five Reasons That Justify Waterboarding Romulans"
1) The Treaty of Algeron is but a mere scrap of paper.
2) Their lactose intolerance rules out Milkboarding.
3) The KLINGONS do it all the time, and no one says anything to THEM!
4) The nearest Intergallactic Federation Hub is like 4 parsecs away. I mean, c'mon!
5) They're major dicks.


My "Five Most Cost Effective Mother's Day Gifts"
1) Compliments
2) Whimsical gazes coupled with gentle sighs
3) Knock-Knock Jokes
4) Chia Pet
5) Pabst Blue


My "Five Least Desirable Members For My Landing Crew Party"
1) Bones McCoy
2) Yeoman Purser Johnson
3) Science Officer No. 3
4) C-3Po
5) Gollum


My "Five Favourite Half Breeds and Cross Breeds"
1) ChihuaWeimer
2) Shih Tzilla
3) Average Dane
4) Cher
5) Pugweiller


My "Cinco Favorite Ways to Spend May 5th"
1) Celebrating my independence from Spanish classes
2) Recovering from my raging Cuatro de Mayo block party
3) Googling swine flu
4) Lamenting that I can't say my witty "May the Fourth be with you" like the day before
5) Dropping a chalupah


My "Five Favourite Shortcuts Around Using The English Language"
1) Emoticons
2) The Stink Eye
3) Carpet Bombing
4) Caller I.D.
5) French


My "Five Favourite Director's Cut Brady Bunch Episodes"
1) Jan vs. Predator
2) Death of Cousin Oliver
3) "Hey, adjoining bathroom, hubba-hubba"
4) "My Dad Slept With Joe Namath"
5) Marsh Gas! Marsh Gas! Marsh Gas!


My "Five Favourite Senses"
1) Smell
2) Taste
3) Hunch
4) Spider
5) That survey that counts all the people


My "Five Favorite FaceBook Profile Status Updates"
1) is sitting
2) is sitting on the toilet
3) is typing another FaceBook profile status update
4) is contemplating whether to throw another family member in the  wood chipper or to go shopping
5) is wondering why no one accepts my Friends request


My "Top Five Rejected Reality Shows"
1) Survivor: The Musical
2) Siberian Idol
3) The Biggest Loser's Tailor
4) Are You Older Than A Fifth Grader?
5) The Glenn Beck Program


My "Five Albums That Changed My Life"
1) Parent's Wedding
2) Sebastian Cabot Reads Ullyses
3) Chicago XLVII
4) Play The Electric Guitar With The Ventures
5) Billy Ray Cyrus' Greatest Hit


My "Five Favourite Ways to Reduce My Carbon Footprint"
1) Stop wearing those darn carbon shoes
2) Hop on one foot
3) Walk on my hands
4) Recycle past entries
5) Stop wearing those darn carbon shoes


My "Five Least Favorite Sports Teams"
1) The Visitors
2) Mark Cuban
3) The 1881 Worcester Ruby Legs
4) There's No 'I' In...
5) The Cowboys


My "Five Most Odiferous Cheeses"
1) Limburger Fondu
2) Edam Whiz
3) Stinking Bishop
4) TIE - Velveeta Dill & Gouda Gaw-Almighty
5) Fromunda Spread ...
Ironically, this is also my "Five Bands I've Seen Live" list


My "5 Favourite Numbers"
1. One
2. Three (moving up the charts)
3. Two (especially after coffee)
4. Three point One Four
5. Thirty-two (I was a childhood O.J. Simpson fan. Oh well)